Two Pink Lines

Yep, that's right. I'm feeling nauseous, tired, and yucky, and it's not giardia this time! We are excited, nervous, elated, scared, freaked, and most of all . . . shocked.


In case you don't know my history, this is my 7th pregnancy. I have two kids, and only one came out of my own va-jay-jay. So if you do the math, you can see that most of my pregnancies have not had happy endings.

I have a condition that the medical community refers to as "recurrent spontaneous abortion". Now this title seriously makes my skin crawl, and if I had the energy and gumption I ought to petition the medical board to call it something else. I hate that this term is written all over my medical records because I've had so many miscarriages. It makes it sound like I am this impulsive woman who keeps running out and getting abortions on a whim, over and over again.

"Omigosh, ya'll, last night I went out and got another abortion. I didn't even plan on it. It just kind of happened. I just keep getting these abortions. I'm so crazy like that!"

Sheesh. So not the case.

It's weird to be writing about this, but I've decided to try something new. With all of my pregnancies, I've kept things really quiet. I've followed the conventional wisdom that says not to talk about a pregnancy until the 10th or 12th week. You know. In case that thing happens. But the result of this old-school decorum is that I end up feeling alone, isolated, and unsupported every time I miscarry, because nobody knows about it. And then I end up kind of confessing it to people, which is uncomfortable to announce that you were pregnant but not anymore in one breath. But I always end up telling because I feel like the people around me need to know why I'm weepy and not leaving the house for weeks at a time.

So, this time, I choose transparency. I don't think miscarriage, or early pregnancy, needs to be something coped with under a cloak of secrecy and shame. I feel hopeful about my pregnancy, but if it doesn't work out, the blog world (and my real world) will know about it. And maybe I will feel a little more supported, no matter what the outcome.
And, now I can shamelessly ask everyone I know to pray, pray, pray that I get to carry this baby to term. Yes, that means you. Shoot a little petition up to the Big Guy upstairs, would you? I could use it.

20 comments:

  1. Many, many congratulations! I'm with you on the transparency thing. I have PCOS and got loads of comments along the lines of, " When will you be starting a family then....?" eventually I cracked and started telling people that I did have a condition that stopped me ovulating. At which point everyone became very understanding and shared all their stories with me; and reassured me that I was still a part of the family even if I never went on to have children and that my calling may just be in another direction - after which I conceived naturally twice!
    Hopefully the same will happen for you!

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  2. Just said a prayer for you and that special "two lined" baby growing inside you.

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  3. Congrats and big Prayers from Colorado for a healthy pregnancy. You know, you recently bought running clothes, and there is nothing like deciding to get back in shape to cause a nine months of weight gain instead.

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  4. I'm so happy to read this, congratulations! It made my day this morning!
    Positive energy and thoughts heading your way from all of us at the Costello household.

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  5. I love it that you told! Prayers for you and yours. Including prayers for some monster-God-sized peace.
    :)

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  6. my favorite part of the morning is getting up and reading this blog. im not even a mom. maybe i just love you moms so much. i dont know. but today i got goosebumps and prayed so much. God is such a God of miracles, I am so excited for this time, and for your transparency. thank you for sharing with your community. we love you!

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  7. Yeah for the "Two Pink Lines"! I completely agree with the medical terminology. The first time I mis-carried and had to go to the hospital was literally worse than the miscarriage. They were going to admit me, and I looked at my husband very seriously and said, "get me out of here!"

    I am so happy for you. My prayers are with you and the precious blessing you are caring for.

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  8. CONGRATULATIONS!

    And I couldn't agree more. I haven't had repeated miscarriages (just one), but I know many who have. I think the tendency is to be vocal about the first pregnancy, then very private about the second after a loss. But eventually, most of my friends have ended up as you have: If you would tell people about your loss, there's no reason not to discuss the pregnancy.

    Praying big prayers for you.

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  9. Oh honey, congrats and yes, will pray like mad that you don't have to go through that sorrow again. I had my first miscarriage this June and I was glad that we'd already announced to people. It was hard having to contact people and let them know what had happened, but it would've been harder to keep it to myself, to have suffered alone.

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  10. I know how badly you have wanted this. And, I know how hard it is to walk that early time of pregnancy alone. I am so excited for you and thankful that you are sharing this news! We are here for you, sista!

    I will be praying, praying, praying.

    -Ali

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  11. Querida Kristen,
    You are such a brave mama!!! I pray for you and your mini, and I'll go tomorrow to put a candle to Saint Anthony (he is one of my favorites "knights" and he always help me).
    Be brave and positive!
    You are very loved and supported by all of us!!!
    I send you a huge hug!!!

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  12. Congrats to you and Mark (he married my husband and I and had just found out you were pregnant with your little girl at our wedding...he was ESTATIC!!) Many prayers to you and the little one in your belly :)

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  13. What great perspective. Thank you for sharing!

    Many many prayers for you and your family.

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  14. I LOVE this blog! Thanks for sharing, I'm praying for you right now in W. Michigan.
    Hang on tight little bambino!

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  15. Kristen! I'm so filled with hope and excitement for you. When I read the title, I thought for sure it would be one of the other blogmamas, and was pleasantly surprised to see it was YOU with the announcement. We've prayed for you from afar and will do so again. Is it too presumptuous to hope for a sis for India to even out the gender balance with Jafta and Keenan?!

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  16. No, it's not presumptious to pray - I mean hope - that it's a girl to even out the score! :)

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  17. best wishes... congratulations... thank you for sharing... sending positive wishes and thoughts your way!!!

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  18. Welcome to the forty week roller coaster. Know that you are being prayed for. For peace, strength and the ability to find calm in the midst of worry. Thanks for sharing. This community is supporting you.

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  19. I just said a prayer for you! Congratulations!I also send you prayers of peace and positivity because I can only imagine how scary this is for you! God chooses our tests in life because he knows we can handle what he takes us through - just focus on that due date and your reward and remain faithful!

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  20. hey kristen! congratulations! and i agree. why not have people pray for you in this fragile time? i am hoping and praying for you friend!!

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