Parenting Prep in Ten Easy Steps

A little humor for your day today:

Lesson 1
Before you finally go ahead and have children, find a couple who already are parents and berate them about their...
1. Methods of discipline
2. Lack of patience
3. Appallingly low tolerance levels
4. Allowing their children to run wild
5. Suggest ways in which they might improve their child's breastfeeding, sleep habits, toilet training, table manners, and overall behavior.
Enjoy it because it will be the last time in your life you will have all the answers.



Lesson 2
A really good way to discover how the nights might feel...
1. Get home from work and immediately begin walking around the living room from 5pm to 10pm carrying a wet bag weighing approx. 8-12 pounds, with a radio turned to static (or some other obnoxious sound) playing loudly.
2. At 10pm, put the bag down gently, set the alarm for midnight, and go to sleep.
3. Get up at midnight and walk around the living room again, with the bag, until 1am.
4. Set alarm for 3am.
5. As you can't get back to sleep, get up at 2am and watch an infomercial.
6. Go to bed at 2:45.
7. Get up at 3am when alarm goes off.
8. Sing songs quietly in the dark until 4am.
9. Get up. Make breakfast. Get ready for work and go to work (work hard and be productive.)
Repeat steps 1-9 each night. Keep this up for 3-5 years. Look cheerful and together.



Lesson 3
Can you stand the mess children make? To find out...
1. Smear peanut butter onto the sofa and jam onto the curtains.
2. Hide a piece of raw chicken behind the stereo and leave it there all summer.
3. Stick your fingers in the flower bed.
4. Then rub them on the clean walls.
5. Take your favorite book, photo album, etc. Wreck it.
6. Spill milk on your new pillows. Cover the stains with crayons. How does that look?



Lesson 4
Dressing small children is not as easy as it seems.
1. Buy an octopus and a small bag made out of loose mesh.
2. Attempt to put the octopus in the bag so that none of the arms hang out.
Time allowed for this- all morning.



Lesson 5
Forget the BMW and buy a mini-van. And don't think that you can leave it out in the driveway spotless and shining. Family cars don't look like that.
1. Buy a chocolate ice cream cone and put it in the glove compartment. Leave it there.
2. Get a dime. Stick it in the CD player.
3. Take a family size package of chocolate cookies. Mash them into the back seat. Sprinkle Cheerios all over the floor, them smash them with your foot.
4. Run a garden rake along both sides of the car.



Lesson 6
Go to the grocery store. Take the closest thing you can find to a pre-school child. (A full-grown goat is an excellent choice). If you intend to have more than one child, then definitely take more than one goat. Buy your week's groceries without letting the goats out of your sight. Pay for everything the goats eat or destroy. Until you can easily accomplish this, do not even contemplate having children.



Lesson 7
1. Hollow out a melon.
2. Make a small hole in the side.
3. Suspend it from the ceiling and swing it from side to side.
4. Now get a bowl of soggy Cheerios and attempt to spoon them into the swaying melon by pretending to be an airplane.
5. Continue until half the Cheerios are gone.
6. Tip half into your lap. The other half, just throw up in the air.
You are now ready to feed a 9 month-old baby.



Lesson 8
Learn the names of every character from all shows on PBS, the Disney Channel and Noggin. Watch nothing else on TV but shows from these channels for at least 5 years. (I know, you're thinking "what's Noggin?") Exactly the point.



Lesson 9
Make a recording of Fran Drescher saying 'mommy' repeatedly. (Important: no more than a four second delay between each 'mommy'; occasional crescendo to the level of supersonic jet is required). Play this tape in your car everywhere you go for the next four years. You are now ready to take a long trip with a toddler.



Lesson 10
Start talking to an adult of your choice. Have someone else continually tug on your skirt hem, shirt sleeve, or elbow while playing the 'mommy' tape made from lesson 9 above. You are now ready to have a conversation with an adult while there is a child in the room.

I wish I could credit the author of this little gem, but I can't seem to find it. Thanks to Julie for posting it on her blog.

4 comments:

  1. KH-

    I am kicking the dirt and swearing about missing out on a chance to hang out and exchange sarcastic remarks. UGH! I am really truly sorry I did not get to use your visit as an opportunity to talk you into coming here for a few months. We need friends our age and with some sass - we think you guys fit the bill. Funny post. Too true. We currently fine our children each time the remote is misplaced ... just one finger per time ... soon enough they will be all out of fingers and we won't lose our remotes any more.

    How is India? I heard she got eaten alive by mosquitoes.

    ReplyDelete
  2. We forgot a physical endurance test here, folks....

    (Maybe an extra credit lesson???)

    Lesson 11
    Sit down at an important task. Something that requires focus and needs to be done within 15 minutes or you will have to pay an excessive late fee. Set a timer for 30 second intervals. Every time the timer beeps , get up and run to another room and do 10 jumping jacks and then run back to your task. Set timer again and work until the timer beeps. Repeat. Repeat.

    Pay late fee.

    Now you are ready to have children.

    ReplyDelete
  3. oh my GOSH!~ i am crying out loud by myself on the couch this is SO GOOD! whew! so funny!!!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Oh my word, this is the funniest thing I have read in ages! I'm going to repost it on my blog too.

    ReplyDelete

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