What Am I Doing Wrong Here??

There are so many days where, as a mom, I feel completely unequipped. I am often looking around and feeling like I am the ONLY mom fumbling this much and in so much chaos. I am the mom who forgets water bottles at playgroup, who forgets sunscreen at the beach, who forgets to pack lunch for preschool, who forgets the helmet at the skate park. I try very hard to overcompensate for this by being "intentionally organized". I know my weaknesses, and try very hard to plan for things well ahead of time. I set things out, I make lists. I prepack. I mapquest. But then there are some days where even with good planning, I feel like a doofus. Today was one of those days.

My kids and I like to walk a certain bike path that leads to the beach. There is another post where I outline the 47 things I need to prepack in order to make this a successful endeaveor. Lately, Jafta has been wanting to ride his bike on the path instead of sitting in the stroller. Sounded like a win-win to me. So we got him a new bike, and it's great. He's happy. I'm happy. Let's do this every day!!

We set out for this routine today, and I came prepared. The kids were suncreened, I remembered the sand toys and helmet, and I even brought some snacks. But our walk takes a very bad turn about a mile in, when Jafta rides his bike through a HUGE pile of dog poop. There is now dog poop covering his bike. It is caked between every ridge on each wheel, and it's kicking up as he rides, and covering his seat and legs. I am mortified. I try to get it off by running the wheels through the sand, or by hitting it with a rock, but this poop is staying put. We have no choice but to keep going. Maybe it will come off as he rides, I think.

Well, yes, it does come off as he rides. In very small pieces that kick up from the tires and hit both India and I in the face. My walk is now a frogger game where I am trying to avoid being hit by a hailstorm of dog feces. But we carry on, because damnit, we're going to the beach. (And I know the demon-possessed 3-year-old tantrum that would ensue if we turned back now). We arrive at our destination, where I realize I've forgotten the bike lock for Jafta's bike. So I hide his 5-day-old bike in the bushes and hope that the poop will deter any would-be bike thieves.

We head down to the beach and there are tons of little tide pools. Now, I have a strict "stay away from the water" policy on these walks because I don't like being outnumbered by two non-swimmers near the ocean. But the tidepools looks so welcoming, and my kids are so excited, and . . . what's the harm?

So my kids start playing in the tidepools and I suddenly realize they are getting soaked and we have a 2-mile walk back to the car and no change of clothes. Oops. Naartjie clothes may be made of amazing cotton but boy it does not dry well. As we finish and load into the stroller, I realize I need to take the kid's dripping clothes off. So I have a diapered baby in the stroller, who was only sunblocked according to her outfit. Her pasty white stomach and legs are now unprotected. And I have a 3-year-old ready to ride a bike in his underwear. And I think to myself, surely this kind of thing does not happen to other moms.

Fortuntely the bike is still there, unfortunately still covered in poop. Which is now compounded by the fact that Jafta has on wet underwear (only) and about 1/3 cup of sand stuck between his butt cheeks. He is not liking this sensation at all, so halfway down the bike path we have to stop while I take his underwear off and try to remove said sand from his butt crack. By spreading his butt cheeks and wiping with my bare hand. In front of approximately 20 people. I am just wishing for a pressure hose to appear from the skies at this point, to hose off this sand and poop. We have another mile to go.

Jafta gets tired and doesn't want to ride his bike anymore. Starts crying. Loudly. I start yelling. Loudly. "KEEP GOING, JAFTA". He starts falling on purpose, because he doesn't want to keep going. This gets more poop on him. Every time he falls, I chastise him. We are a mess. People are staring. I have two children in their underwear, and I am only thinking about getting back to that car. I practically cattle-prod Jafta for the next mile, with both kids screaming, and seriously wondering. . . . what am I doing wrong? Do other moms have days like this??

The grand finale is realizing that I have to somehow get the poop bike into the back of our SUV to get it home. I seriously think about traumatizing my son further by leaving the bike in the parking lot, but finally decide to suck it up and load the bike in the back. I dry heave the entire ride home, as the smell of fecal matter permeates the car.



  1. Friend! You are so not alone! Hold on, before I can go on I have to wipe the tears off and stop myself from falling off my chair with laughter! No, no, no I am not laughing at you, I am laughing with you. And while reading your story I am fighting back the memories of my own "horror" stories of good intentions gone awry. This happens to us all and if we are lucky we'll have more. Oh I know it doesn't feel lucky when its happening, but these stories are the glue to me and you!

  2. I just found this blog. I love it, and yes I am in your boat. My favorite is when i have to stick my knee into my almost three year old to get her to sit in her carseat while she is wailing because we are leaving the park.

    Former OC girl now living in Colorado.

  3. oh yes, I love those moments we you have to physically restrain the child into the carseat. And every passerby looks at you like you are intentionally torturing the wailing child.

  4. It happens frequently in the church parking lot too. My husband is on the worship team so he stays at church for the second service while we head home for lunch. I now park on the side of the building as to not draw attention to myself.

    I didn't mention this before, but I went to Rock Harbor form 2000-2005, before we moved. I also taught at Estock with your mother in law. It's amazing how the internet makes the world seem so small!

  5. I have these moments all the time. I wish foresight could be as 20/20 as hindsight.

  6. You are a wonderful mom, kh, for even thinking of taking a 3 and 1 year old to the beach, especially via a bike path. Sorry, but I too, like andrea luna-reece had to wipe tears from my eyes from laughing so hard "with" you. Your "poop bike" incident can be topped only by your plane ride home from visiting me in April!!
    BTW for everyone else: I am actually "poop-bike mama"'s mom . . . and she learned the "cattle prod method" from watching me with her younter sister. I was once told "you are the first mother I've ever seen use her foot to make her child keep leaving the public pool area" . . . seriously, I was just nudging with my one available limb, the others being full of younger siblings and beach towels and diaper bags.
    What a wonderful role model! But my daughter is amazaing as a mom anyway!!!

  7. Great story, only us moms know you can't make this stuff up!! Trust me when I say we all have at least a couple "poop" stories. What is it about human nature that we remember the times that aren't perfect far better than the uneventful ones?

  8. oh, this is hysterical! kristen, isnt it crazy how the best day can turn into a nightmare in a matter of minutes?

  9. This was the post that when I read it on your blog after discovering you, well...
    it was when I fell in love with you. (In the "I totally get her and she's hilarious" sense.)
    SO fun to re-read this!

  10. Oh honey, thank you so so much for putting that experience into words! I feel like less of a freak now. Things like that? Happen to me all..the...time!

  11. I've been snickering about this post all day. (Is that wrong?) We've ALL been there. Kids are like chaos vortexes; even when you think you've got it all together, they suck in the craziness.

    By the way, Kristen, I went to your "Things I Need At The Beach" post and loved poking around your other blog. Plus, your beach reference intrigued me. I used to live in San Diego, so those beach memories are strong. I think I still have sand stuck in a few unmentionable places.

  12. we have all had days like these.
    or at least i have.
    many many many.
    you are not alone. if people are looking most are thinking "i am glad that's not me...that happened last week"

    this is the kind of day where you put them to bed early and have a margarita.
    not good.

  13. Kristin,

    I am laughing so hard b/c I had one of those crazy days too. Read about it here. But know I laugh as life is never dull as a mom. They are memories and heck make life interesting.



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